Muleskinner

Issue date: 10/29/09 Section: Voices

Media Credit: Drew Woolery: Muleskinner Mikey Tyler

In light of the news that the UCM Board of Governors has decided not to renew President Aaron Podolefsky's contract, I have decided to throw my hat into the ring as a candidate for the president's position.

Sure, I don't have my Ph.D., yet. Heck, I am only in my third semester of college. But, the positive qualities I bring to the table far outweigh the negatives.

For starters, I am an avid reader. I have read all the Harry Potter books at least twice.
I would keep a positive and fun workplace environment by telling Chuck Norris jokes that are sure to bring uproarious laughter to the office.

I would also befriend other University officials through a daily game of "Heads Up Seven Up".
Most importantly, I promise to uphold the standards of a Mule by being the de facto representative in schoolyard fistfights with rival schools.

Besides my noble qualities, I also have a list of ideas for the University.

First, I propose we build a nuclear bunker under the school. That way, when other schools are like, "Your mascot can't even procreate!" We can be like "Oh yeah, well try to drop a nuclear bomb on us and see what happens. I bet most of us live. What now, suckers?"

Next, I plan on having a weekly fireside chat where I can discuss with you, the students, your concerns. You bring the marshmallows, I will bring those fancy metal sticks that you can stick marshmallows on to help cook them during my fireside chat.

I also think the fountains in front of the Union are being greatly underutilized. Why don't we put a Slip 'n Slide right beside the fountain? Of course there will be the previously unwritten rule while waiting in line for the Slip 'n Slide: "No cuts, no butts, no alligator guts."

I would also like to overhaul our system of parking. Why do the students who pay to be here have to park farther away than the faculty that get paid to be here? Seems nonsensical to me.

Finally, whoever is selected as the new president will have big shoes to fill. I wear a size 14, except for my boots, those are a size 13.

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